I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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