We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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