I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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