and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
