Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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