I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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