I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
