evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
