I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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