I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
