I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
