How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
