my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
