he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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