Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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