i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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