I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
