yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
