Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
