White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just had sex bonerless
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
