Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
