is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
