final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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