i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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