my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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