What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
