considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
