why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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