Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
