I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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