I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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