well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
