Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she peed on how many people?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
