He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
