im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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