McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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