boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
