Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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