I bet he comes in French.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
