bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
