I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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