you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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