I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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