it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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