After last night, I could never be a politician.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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