If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
