dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
someone owes me an orgasm
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
