I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
