I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Pooping to opera.
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