she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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