I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
