The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
