My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
