Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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